Learning about Asperger's

Last Saturday when I was blessed to have some time at Barnes & Noble, I did some reading on Asperger's just to have the knowledge. So much of what I read I was sitting there saying, "Have they been in my house watching what we're doing??" LOL It's amazing!

One of the books I read from beginning to end was Asperger Syndrome & Difficult Moments by Brenda Smith Myles & Jack Southwick. Here is an excerpt from it that I copied down, mainly due to its relevance to our situation.
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The Rage Cycle

Rumbling Stage
~ Signs: Fidgeting, name calling, tensing, increase/decrease of voice volume
~ Intervention: Antiseptic bouncing, touch control, walk & don’t talk, cool zone
a. Antiseptic Bouncing – redirecting actions for a couple of minutes to allow diffusing.
b. Touch Control – touch or being in close proximity can let the child know you’re aware of the situation and allows them time to regain control. Sometimes this can work with just a look across the room.
c. Walk & Don’t Talk – often talking with them isn’t the answer since they can’t express exactly what they are feeling. Just walking with them or holding them for a minute without the expectation to communicate verbally helps them feel secure and reconnected.
d. Cool Zone – create a place in the house or environment that is a safe zone for them to go and focus, cool off, and/or regroup. This give them control of the situation when they often feel no power or control.

Rage Stage
~ Signs: impulsive actions, emotional, explosive, destructive, screaming, hitting, kicking, internalizing
~ **Adult behavior can escalate the crisis – yelling at them, assuming you know what they are thinking or doing, tense body language, sarcasm, nagging, mimicking, insisting the ‘adult is right’.
~ Intervention: remove the audience, get to a cool zone, be flexible (because the child can’t be right now)
~ **Effective Adult Behavior – try to control the ‘fight or flight’ tendency, remember less is more, calm and quiet, deep breaths.

Recovery Stage
~ Signs: sleeping, denial of rage behaviors, apologizing, withdrawal to fantasy world.
~ Interventions: support with structure, don’t continue to reference the rage behavior, give them space, go back to learning slowly (when during school time).
~ **Counter-control is common – if they feel someone trying to be controlling of them they react by being more in control (and often getting themselves in trouble for it).

Teachable moments are at the Rumbling Stage or AFTER the Rage Stage. They can’t learn and understand a teachable moment during the Rage Stage.

NOTE: Aspies don’t enjoy this Rage Cycle. It’s the way their bodies express stress and cope with problems for which they see no other solutions or that they don’t understand.

The best intervention to rage is prevention…through understanding and redirection or restructuring.

Tips for living with an Aspie
~ Parents should have a LASTing word. Many times parents feel they need to have the last word of an argument, but Aspies also have this need to talk even when no one is listening. So instead of making sure you have the last word, make sure your word is a LASTing word. Make sure that what you say is what you mean and follow through with it.
~ Have special 1-on-1 time with the siblings so they can share their feelings and thoughts on the situation. They often have helpful insights for the parent.
~ Have a consistent daily routine.
~ Have a consistent bedtime – this is very important for an Aspie, as their body needs a certain amount to shutting-down-time in order to function properly.

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As I was reading that, I was just completely humbled at how we (Terry and I) have probably contributed (unknowingly) to some of the meltdowns/outbursts by not realizing how our behavior was escalating his feelings and behavior. And the counter-control? Yeah, all the time. He gets this overly bossy attitude when you back him in a corner and he starts acting all like HE'S the one in control, when if you look close you can see he's really on the edge. *sigh* So much information to take in and absorb!

Last night, I went out with Brent for a little "Mommy Date"...after dinner we went out for ice cream so I could talk to him about all of this. (I am doing the same thing for Clayton tonight.) I explained all of it to him and he asked questions as we went along. One thing that he asked, after we'd been talking about how it's a problem inside the brain that is making things not work right, was "What part of the brain isn't working right?" So I got out a pen and drew on a napkin for him the pictures that Dr. Worth had drawn for us to show him how it all works. It was so interesting how he wanted to know the details so he could understand it. (Such a good big brother!)

One thing that I didn't expect was for him to feel bad. At one point I asked him what he was thinking or feeling about it all and he said sad. I asked him why and he said, "Cuz all this time I've been yelling at him and getting mad at him for doing the stuff he does just to find out that he couldn't help it." Awwww. Of course, I talked with him and let him know that Terry and I did the same things...and that we all do things based on what we think should be happening, but then we find out later that that person had no control over it. It happens and no one is in trouble over it, we just have to be more aware of it from now on and do better. I dearly love that child! He's more grown up for his 8 years of life than some adults!

Tonight (like I said) I'm going out with Clayton and explaining it to him. I won't be able to go into as much detail, but I'm hoping I can explain things to him in a way that helps him to feel better about it all. At this point, I am hoping to give him some ideas on coping skills and ways to deal with himself. We shall see! :)